5 poisons of the mind – #5 – surprise

The last of the 5 poisons is itself surprising. After all, who doesn’t like a surprise?

But in this case I am talking about a kind of surprise that works against us. It’s a way of surprising ourselves. We might call it anticipation. And here’s why it’s dangerous.

Suppose you are planning to ask your friend to lend you something. In the past there had never been a problem borrowing things from this friend. So you call him up and ask how he is doing, and then proceed to make your request. But instead of getting an easy yes, you get a no. In your mind you had anticipated getting a positive response, and so you had already begun thinking about what you would do after your friend granted your request. Now you are stuck. His response was a surprise you had not anticipated. Your plans are now in trouble.

In this simple example the stakes are not high, and you could probably work around not being able to borrow from your friend. But what about when the stakes are higher? We often make assumptions about what will happen in our lives, how others will react, and anticipate what we will be able to do based on these assumptions. In many cases our assumption are correct – or close enough. But when things don’t work out, the consequences can be dramatic.

What about a car that fails to stop at a light and simply drives through the intersection? Surprised? You thought the driver would stop.

What about the storm that doesn’t look very threatening until you hear hailstones hitting your car? Surprised? You didn’t think it would be this bad.

What about the well-dressed man who tries to rob you? Surprised? How could this be happening to me?

I’m not saying we should be paranoid. But we must be aware of the assumptions we are making about the people and circumstances around us. If we fail to do this we will, at some point, be surprised. We will believe that what we assume about the world and people around us is the reality. It isn’t. And while we may have options – avoiding the stray driver, hiding from the storm, or fighting back again those who try to take advantage of us – these choices may not be very good ones. Better to know what we are assuming and make even a minimal plan to preserve our choices. No one wants to be a victim, but our anticipation and assumptions make us vulnerable. Hence the 5th poison of the mind – surprise.

5 poisons of the mind – #4 – Hesitation

When faced with choices most of us hesitate. Some of us hesitate longer than others, and some people simply freeze when confronted with hard choices. Most often we pause because we are waiting for more information. Sometimes we are waiting for a sign that it is OK to proceed. We crave clarity in our decisions and actions. And often it makes sense to wait until we have enough information to make a sound decision. But not always.

The hesitation that poisons the mind arises when we know what we need to do, but we delay. We say we need more information when in fact the real issue is our emotional discomfort. We don’t want to face the situation, person or decision right now. So we delay. And delay. And the opportunity or choice goes away. And then we doubt our ability to make decisions. So the next time we face a decision we question ourselves and hesitate again. Over time we develop a habit of waiting too long, and opportunities vanish and people no longer ask us for or opinion.

It’s OK to hesitate because we don’t know enough to make a good decision or because we are caught off guard. It’s not a good idea to hesitate simply because we are not emotionally prepared to choose or because we would rather wait. Choices go away and situations change rapidly. Opportunities evaporate.

So learn to tell the difference between hesitating because you truly need more information, and hesitating because you are scared to make a commitment. And prepare yourself for situations and decisions that you see coming your way. When fortune calls, your answer should not be, “Can it wait just a second?”

5 poisons of the mind – #3 – Anger

Anger always feels right. When we are angry it always seems justified. Someone has hurt us or circumstances have defeated us, and it feels good to lash out at the other person, at our fate, at ourselves, the weather, God and whoever else happens to be nearby. And the more we practice getting angry the easier it is to become angry. Anger can be addictive, and always seems justified. But we don’t need to practice getting angry.

Anger also blinds us. When we are angry we see only how our own world has been attacked. We can’t see how others may be impacted, or how our angry behavior may frighten others; and for the most part at these times we are not interested in other’s suffering. Anger shrinks our world down to only our own, very limited perspective. It creates mental tunnel vision.

Anger has a value. When I get angry at someone who has been told many times not to do something, but who chooses to do it anyway, my anger serves to let the person know, “Hey, I mean this!” However, within this anger must be an undeniable sense that I care for the person. I’m angry not at them, but at the danger they put themselves in, at the warning they ignored. And the secret here is that once the person acknowledges this, my anger must cease. Being angry at someone just to show off or because it feels “right” is inappropriate and unfair. So know when to be angry, and when to stop.

It’s important to observe what you say to yourself after you have been angry. Do you justify your action, claiming that it was the right thing to do, that the person who hurt you needed to hear what you said, that they had it coming? Or do you honestly admit that perhaps you were out of line, that a different response would have been more useful and helpful, or that walking away and addressing the issue at another time may have been a more mature response.

If used wisely anger can teach us what we care about, and where we need to be careful of overreacting to life’s injustices; but left unchecked its fire will scar both you and those you seek to correct. Use anger wisely, or it will use you.

5 poisons of the mind – #2 – Doubt

When we doubt something, we are questioning its value. When I doubt what you say is true, I am questioning the truthfulness of what you say. When I doubt myself, I am questioning my own value and abilities.

Doubt does serve a purpose. It stops us momentarily as we evaluate something. Where doubt becomes a problem is when it becomes negative. If we doubt that we can do something, but we go ahead and try anyway, our doubt may only be a safeguard. But when we doubt and then give up without trying, we allow our own thinking to block us from growing.

Negative self-doubt is poisonous. If your first response to facing something new is, “There’s no way I can do that!”, then you very likely won’t even try, and you will have already failed. So while doubt can be a tool that serves to guide us away from danger, it can also become a weapon we use on ourselves.

If you always choose what to do or how to think based on pessimistically doubting its value, then you are allowing your doubt – which exist largely in your own mind – to determine your future. So learn to doubt wisely, that is, to doubt without choosing to let your doubts be your only guide.

5 poisons of the mind – # 1 – Fear

Emotions can enrich our lives. Who doesn’t enjoy the feeling of pleasure that comes from accomplishing something difficult or helping someone who is in need? Who doesn’t like the delight that accompanies mastering a new skill? And who doesn’t  comprehend the relief that comes when we forgive someone who has hurt us deeply?

Emotions add color to our lives. However they can also darken our experiences, and we need to understand how to recognize and manage the emotions that don’t serve us well. Here’s my list of the 5 most dangerous ones:

Fear

Doubt

Anger

Hesitation

Surprise

Let’s look at these one at a time:

Fear causes us to freeze, to hesitate and doubt ourselves and our abilities. It is often an instinctive response to new situations and experiences. If we don’t acknowledge it and factor it into our lives it will secretly dominate our lives. What we fear controls us. It distorts our thinking and limits our willingness to grow.

We can’t will fear away. We have to work around it. And we can use it to our advantage.

Personal example: I dislike heights. Climbing ladders freaks me out. But I own a house where I have to use a ladder to do certain jobs. So I have learned to manage my fear. I know I am going to be nervous when I’m 25 feet up, so I factor this into my actions. I acknowledge the fear, and use it to slow myself down and focus on doing things safely, one step at a time. The fear doesn’t go away. I redirect it to help me succeed.

The result? I’m still afraid but I get the work done. I don’t expect the fear to go away. I’ve learned to use it to my advantage. And the bonus is that now I know that fear doesn’t have to stop me. I know I can manage it and use it to perform better.

Don’t fight fear. Understand its value in protecting you and redirect its energy toward your goals.

Know when the day is over

We live in a fast-paced world. Many of us work long hours and are always on the go. Technology has made it possible to blur the line between our work life and our personal life, and this is both good and bad. Being productive is great; enjoying some down time and recreation is equally important. Working all the time isn’t healthy and is often not as productive as we imagine. Recreation and hobbies have their place. Burnout is real and more common than we may think.

So know when the day is over. Know when it’s time to set aside work and focus on another part of your life. If you supervise others, know when it’s time to let them wind down or go home and focus on taking care of the rest of their lives so that they can come back to work ready to focus on your priorities. They will appreciate this, and will likely be more productive since they know that there is a time for work and a time for their personal lives and recreation and that you understand this distinction.

And they’ll spend less of their time at work worrying about or actually taking care of their own personal business (instead of working), since they know they’ll have a chance to get to these things.

Respect your own and other’s need for knowing when the day is over and when we can focus on the things we need to do to be ready for tomorrow.

Compare and fail

We naturally compare ourselves to others. We like to know how much better (or worse) we are compared to them. Do they make more money than we do? Do they have more friends? Do they seem happier than we are? Are they “better” than us?

These are not healthy thoughts. Comparing ourselves and our circumstances to the limited amount we know about other’s lives is dangerous. It is a set up for failure. Here’s why.

We can never know enough about another person’s life to make an accurate comparison with our own life. We don’t see it when the person earning $200k per year goes home to an empty apartment and drinks himself to sleep. We may see others with more “friends” than we have; but what we miss is the fact that no one really knows the person, and he has no close friends that he can count on. And if we think others are “happier” or “better than we are, we probably don’t appreciate what we have all that much.

So go ahead and make comparisons if you wish. But understand that you will usually come out looking inferior – because you don’t have all the facts about other’s lives and rarely can get them all.

There is a better way.

Instead of comparing yourself to another person, compare yourself to the person you were 10 or 20 years ago. Unless you haven’t made any attempts at all to improve yourself, you are probably a better person today than you were then.

Personal example: I knew a lot more 20 years ago than I do now. I was infallible. Now I regularly question my own judgment in a healthy way, as I’ve learned that being infallible carries a terrible price in human relationships. Twenty years ago I was going to change the world; now I’ll be grateful to change 1 or 2 of my bad habits.

Compared to the person I was 20 years ago, I’m a much better person (at least I think so). And I’m much more effective in working with others than when I was the Infallible One.

So if you want a fair and realistic comparison, look back at who you were and how you have grown. I think this is a lot more satisfying and motivating than comparing yourself to people who you really don’t know and in many ways can’t know.

If you are going to make comparisons, make helpful and positive comparisons rather than comparisons where you are guaranteed to come in second – or worse.

Do 1 thing different

New Year’s resolutions rarely last. Too often they are just nice ideas rather than actions that we can measure. So this year skip the list and choose 1 thing to DO differently. Focus on that 1 thing for 365 days, keep track of how often you do it successfully, and I’ll bet you will make more progress than if you had a list of good ideas as long as your arm.

My 1 thing for 2012? Letting other people shine, appreciating them for the talents they have, and learning from them, and not trying to top their ideas and experiences by offering one of mine in comparison.

And yes, I’ll be keeping score.

Happy 2012!

Don’t count on it – willpower vs structure

Many people believe that if they had enough willpower they could change whatever they wanted in their lives. And to some degree this is true. If you truly want to change something in your life, you will find a way to do it. But very often we count on using willpower alone to bring about change, and we know from sometimes painful experience that willpower has its limits. Relying on willpower alone is often not enough to bring about lasting change.

Many factors can limit your willpower. If you are tired you may give in to things that you normally would resist. If you are in a group you may find yourself doing and saying things that you would never do on your own. And if you are under stress or pressure you may decide that doing what you initially planned is not worth the effort or risk.

So willpower by itself is never enough to guarantee success. So don’t count on it.

Instead, build structure into your life so that you don’t have to rely only on having enough willpower. Get enough rest and eat properly so that you don’t get run down. Avoid groups that appear leaderless or that have agendas and ideas that don’t align with your values. And if you are under stress consciously choose to put off making choices that you may later regret. And if you need help making the right choice, get help.

The best medicine is prevention, and this requires that we think through the situations we may face, and decide beforehand how we will handle them. Once we are in a bad situation it is very hard to get out. So don’t allow yourself to be tempted in the first place.

As a personal example, when I travel internationally, I always pay attention to the people around me. If there are only tourists around, I usually try to leave, as groups of tourists are often targets for criminals or scams. I try to stay where there are at least some local people, since these people will often sense trouble long before I could. Just a simple example of not inviting trouble by setting up a structure rather than relying only on willpower or my wits to avoid problems.

Fail better

No one likes to fail. No one plans to fail. But we all fail at something at some time in our lives.

Failing is embarrassing, even humiliating. Public failure is devastating.

I still remember trying to lead a class auction in 5^th grade. I had neither the personality nor the skill to do this. And after several very painful minutes I was very publicly replaced. That was nearly 40 years ago. So the memory of failing can stick with us for a long time.

Since we are going to fail at times, it’s very important that we have the right attitude toward failure. If we fear it, we will magnify its impact in our own minds. If we see it as a normal part of growing, it will still hurt when we fail, but we’ll be able to move past this experience. And for those who actually see failure as a growth opportunity, they may feel some temporary disappointment. But they’ll be right back trying again as soon as possible.

So how do you fail? Do you see your failures as temporary, or as a permanent fixture in your life? Do you evaluate what you did incorrectly, choose 1 thing to do differently in the future, and move on? Or do you wrap your entire life around your failures and shy away from new experiences?

The choice is yours. But I encourage you to fail well, to make failure an ally on your path to personal growth. Choose to grow through the experience instead of becoming a victim.

Learn to fail better.

P.S. After my failure as an auctioneer, I later made a living as a public speaker and trainer. So I did manage to get over this – but the memory remains, and I use it to remind me that failure isn’t fatal.